Finding Peace with a Big Decision

Alright friends and family, this post is a deviation from what you might normally read here, but it's one that I've been hoping to share for some time...

Have you ever been in a place where you truly did not know what to do? I understand the magnitude of this hypothetical question ranges from "should I book that vacation?" to "should I forgive that person who hurt me so badly?" For me, when we found out we were pregnant with our second baby, my thoughts immediately went here: "Should I continue working or stay home with the kids?" And, even though it might sound strange, I did not feel equipped to make that decision on my own. 

Having worked three days a week ever since Katelyn was born, it was, for me, the perfect balance - continued professional and personal growth while still enjoying precious time as our 4-month-old turned into *blink!* a 2-year-old. The built-in balance made this decision particularly difficult. But financially, to continue working part-time while paying for two children in daycare didn't make a lot of sense. However, knowing the balance it afforded me (and the value we've seen school provide to Katelyn), we did consider it. Michael was 100% supportive of either decision, but finally, I reached a place where literally I could not make the call on my own. I asked God to make the decision for me and make it abundantly clear. And you know what? He did. He changed my heart because that's what it took; my heart equally resisted and embraced both options - I needed clarity. He brought people into my life to ease my anxieties about staying home. He brought opportunities to become involved in things to keep us engaged in life and not isolated at home (as my mind tended to fear). He brought peace to my "what if" questions by making clear this is the right thing for our family right now. He practically branded onto my heart, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13 - because I cannot (nor would I want to) do this alone. I humbly concede that I need His guidance, support, and patience (as well as Michael's). And I listened to and followed His direction.

When my "mommy-mentor" Shelly, shared with me this blog post, it practically caused a cosmic shift in my thinking. And it was yet another nudge toward choosing to stay home. Finally! I thought, This woman is speaking directly to my fears and apprehension: not every single second I spend with my child(ren) is blissful and perfect. And she's telling me, It's okay. It's okay! This is what I needed to hear. The moments of "kairos," as she refers to them, sprinkled throughout a day are what make the chaos and stress fade away, and those times are what make it all worth it. All this time I thought that since every single second wasn't a walk in the park, staying home wasn't for me. I was wrong. This was the dose of reality I needed to sink in. And it resonated down to my bones.

 I've heard from many stay-at-home-moms that the decision was easy to make and involved no regrets. However, I had a hard time conceptualizing staying at home and what it meant for our family. I did a lot of thinking and my mind did a lot of worrying about such a huge change. They grow up so fast, are you sure you want to miss out on that? How will your kids be socially stimulated? You won't be contributing financially to the family anymore - are you okay with that? Are you sure you have the patience to be home everyday? What will exiting the workforce mean for your career? Don't you want to be there when your baby takes his/her first steps? See? Lots of thoughts - flip flop thoughts from both sides of the coin. Since it wasn't instantly a "no-brainer decision," I told myself I was not set up to be successful as a stay-at-home mom. I doubted my abilities because the decision didn't come naturally to my little human brain. But when I surrendered the situation to God, He changed things. Prayer changes things.

Not too long ago, our church spent some time discussing Colossians 3:20-23 about children respecting their parents and parents encouraging and supporting their children. This naturally turned into a sermon about the challenges faced in parenting and some overarching parenting truths were presented. This particular Sunday morning was yet another nudge. Here are the four critical truths shared that morning:

- Taking care of myself is taking care of my kids. To me, this means that taking care of my needs is not a selfish act, but a selfless one that allows me to bring the best version of myself to my kids. I can still workout take walks, I can still take showers (!), I can still meet a friend for coffee.

- My job is to help my kids learn to struggle and do their own journey. My job is not to rescue my children from every difficulty they face; that is not doing them any favors. My job is to help them learn... learn how to treat people, learn how to do things, learn to overcome struggles, learn to do their own journey.

- I am not the only one who holds my child's story. I admit I don't know it all, nor can I offer it all. That's why I'm thankful for this truth: the idea that many people play an important role in shaping my children's lives and contributing to their life story. Michael, family members, friends, teachers, neighbors. It was too much to carry thinking it was all up to me.

- I will fail; but God will parent my child just as God has parented me. My personal favorite. This spoke to my concerns about not being the perfect stay-at-home-mom. It acknowledges the fact that I will fail, but it's okay. It's okay! God never fails and there is some real security in knowing and believing that truth.

After prayerful consideration and many (subtle and overt) nudges, we've made the decision that I will be staying home full-time after the baby is born. I plan to work up until the delivery and then Katelyn will be in school for a week or two after that in an effort to gradually change her routine. After that, our "new life" begins... and we're looking forward to what lies ahead - the beauty of it, the importance of it, the challenge of it, the uncharted territory of it.

So you might be wondering, what the heck is this post all about?! It's about a multitude of things. It's about the power of prayer. It's a real-life story about how we came to hear God's voice cut through the clutter of a million other voices. It's about allowing our children to see someday (through reading this) that it's okay to not know what to do in certain situations. It's okay! It's about encouraging our children to pray for direction. It's about showing our children that there's no such thing as a "one-size-fits-all solution" for big decisions in life. It's about being secure and confident in the changes ahead. It's about learning to fully trust Someone other than myself. It's about sharing a deeper part of the Team Mlakar story.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11